ReflectingSo you tell me to stop reflecting on a past fill in pain and never to remember the bittersweet sounds of their names, names that abused my childhood and left me to die, inside a child hurting and only could pray to keep the feelings from demise.
I grew in a place that was cold and ugly only thing I could remember was my momma saying she loved me. Attending church services every Sunday like I was some saint when at home everything was negative, junkies and-and fighting , curses, and abuse.
Passing by strangers in the street, part of me wanted to cry out and ask can you save me, please. The only thing I got was what’s your name pretty and do you like some candy while lusting me from underneath.
Me trusting adults became very dim. I said lord please don’t make me act like him. Child molesters, who never got booked on their crimes and their lustful looks. I found out when I was eight that my mother wasn’t my biological now I feeling some hurt that’s unexplainable, has everyone in my life told me lies and why every week I am having to apologize,
Apologizing for feelings of something I didn’t even create, fight kids in my neighborhood just because of the color of my skin.

You light almost white is the words they screamed and said I didn’t belong there and your mother didn’t even want you. All I could do was cry because reality made it true.
So you tell me to stop reflecting on the past that was dark and gray, how you can when half of your life was that way. The foster care system one big playground they never saved me or came around until 14years later when my mother was dead and SIX FEET IN the ground , telling me how to behave and Lena you shouldn’t be so cold, cry and let out your feelings out it make reflect you when you’re old .
Do you really think I would listen to you when everything you said was a lie?
Later in life I met many adults and say ok now this may be the time I can finally breathe. And this is the part when they do not leave.
Take a deep breathe because this is where my story gets deep.
Marrying at a young age saying ok this is the happy part of my life right? , wrong this is the just the beginning of another sad song. This man I opened up to said my vows to in front of the God I only knew to protect me from all harm, had his first children only to be let down.
Marriage a lie, childhood a lie, parents a lie and you tell me to stop reflecting on the past full of pain. Do you even know my name, Lena, the L was the love never to have that was mines, the E was the end of anything I felt was good, to the N that was the negative energy that followed me since birth, and the A is for all you bastards who lied on earth? See my name was given for failure from birth so you ask me to trust you.

God is the only thing that kept it real because he was the only thing that stayed with me through all my pains. Ask me why am I so high on God I will tell you wait give me a moment, (Tears falling down my cheek)…. “God heard me”, when I was a kid crying on the doorstep where my biological mother and father left me, God heard me, when I was being molested by that so call uncle, God heard me when being raped by my mother’s boyfriend, God heard me when my mother was being murdered, God heard me when my marriage ended so I wouldn’t break down.

God carried me from there to here now in front of an audience to share my life with and even though all my life I was lied to this is the only thing I can give you that is the real truth. Reflecting on my past of abuse……………… Drops the MIC!!

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5 thoughts on ““Reflecting In The Past”

  1. BEAUTFUL and raw! I definitely will be contacting you my dear sister Lena….our journeys are all too familiar …my God My GOD!!
    I will by the grace of God be starting a job in the 13th of June . If you watched my latest periscope their is a testimony in reference to the federal job God is given me . I say that to say this :I will definitely be seeking out your mentorship and my job will be the means to which I invest in myself therefore sow into your ministry (by paying you for your services ) I truly felt your heart as well reading your story !!
    I look forward to connecting with you SOON and in the mornings via your periscope ministry !!!! Poet Lena is your name and you simply ROCK -GOD 1st!!

  2. Very Deep Cousin… I appreciate you for caring ENOUGH to share.. I appreciate you for finding what’s rightfully yours!! I appreciate you for giving the honor, and glory to God our Father!! I appreciate you for SURVIVING what was meant to kill your soul… Welcome Home!! We Love You;)

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